Its Saturday night. the
boy sits alone in his room.
"I hate
weekends!" he shouts. But there is no one in the room to answer. He picks
up a magazine and sees a picture of a group of young people at the beach. He
hurls the magazine against the wall.
Tears well up. He clamps
his teeth on his underlip, but the tears keep pushing. Unable to fight it any
longer, he falls on his bed sobbing "why am i always left out?"
DO YOU sometimes
feel like that-cut off form the world, lonely, useless, and empty? If so, do not
despair. For while feeling lonely is no fun, it is not some fatal disease.
Simply put, loneliness is a warning signal. Hunger warns you that you needs
food. Loneliness warns you that you needs companionship, closeness, intimacy. We need food to function
well. Likewise, we need companionship to feel well.
Have you ever
watch a bed of glowing coals? When you take one coal away from the heap, the
glow of that signal coal dies away. But after you put the coal back into the
heap, it glow again! In isolation, we humans similarly do not "glow,"
or function well, for long.the need for companionship is built into our make
up.
Temporary loneliness
Some times loneliness is imposed on us by circumstance beyond our control, like being away from close friends as a result of moving
to a new location. Recalls Steven: "Back home James and i were friends,
closer than brothers. When i moved away, i knew i was going to miss him."
Steven paused,as if relieving the moment of departure. "When i had to board the plane, i got chocked up.
We hugged, and i left. I felt that something precious was gone."
Friends can keep in
touch even
across long
distance.
How did Steve make
out in his new environment?
"It was rough," he says. "Back home my
friends liked me, but here some of the folks i worked with made me feel as if
am no good. I remember looking at the clock and counting back four hours [that
was the time difference] and thinking and thinking what James and i could be
doing right now. I felt lonely."
When things are
not going well, we often dwell on better times that we had in the past.
For one thing,
circumstance can change for better. That is why researchers often speak of
"temporary loneliness." Steven could thus overcome his loneliness.
How? "Talking about my feelings with someone who cares. You cannot live on
in the past. I forced myself to meet other people, show interest in them. It
worked ; I found new friends." And what about James? 'I was wrong. Moving
away didn't end our friendship. The other day i phoned him. We talked and talked
for one hour and 15 minutes.'
Chronic Loneliness.
Sometimes, though,
the gnawing pain of loneliness persists, and there seems to be no way out. Many
teenagers experience what is often called chronic loneliness. This is more
serious than temporary loneliness. In fact, says researchers, the two
are "as different as common cold and pneumonia."
But just as pneumonia can be cured chronic loneliness can
be beaten too. The first step is trying to understand its cause. 16-year-old
Rhonda pin point the most common cause of chronic loneliness, saying: "I
think the reason why i feel very lonely is because-well you cant have friends
if you feel badly about yourself. And i guess i don't like myself very
much."-Lonely in America.
Rhonda's loneliness
comes from within. Her low set-esteem forms a barrier that keeps her from
opening up and making friends. Says one researcher: "Thoughts such as 'I'm
unattractive,' 'I'm uninteresting,' 'I'm worthless,' are common themes among
the chronically lonely." The cry to overcoming your loneliness may thus
lie in building your self-respect.
furthermore, as you learn to like yourself, others will be
drawn to your appealing qualities. But just as you can only see the full colors
of a flower after it unfolds, so other can fully appreciate your qualities only
if you open up to them.
Know It.
If you still feel lonely from time to time, relax its
normal. That is perfectly normal. What, though, if ext-rem shyness is holding
you back from making friends and being with others? Try reading Dealing with
Shy Habits still on this blog.
